my husband is driving my daughter awaymy husband is driving my daughter away
I know from personal experience. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. A my worldview is the best worldview type of parenting works out for no one, as my mother found out. To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. Yes. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). Just. Well done, as always, my friend. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Heck no! I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? And not just to me and your husband. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. 1. That was my guess too. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Is there a middle ground? July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. A little . The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Parents should be parents and kids should be kids. Or find something neutral. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). 1. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. YUCK. But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) I was afraid the BS stood for something else. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. honeybeenicki I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. Hell, even back in my day it wasnt that hard. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. And musicals should be revered as an art form. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. I mean, maybe? What to do? Hubby drives drunk with our kids! - today.com They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! lets_be_honest Of course its going to drive her away from him. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. Is it forcing or is it parenting? Addie Pray Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? I would call that well-rounded. Like I said, I consider myself a mature, intelligent adult, yet I read People magazine. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. Required fields are marked *. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! Before the 12 year was born. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. Absolutely. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. Older and (hopefully) wiser Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. Pull up plans of Serenity and compare them to the Space Shuttle. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. My parents listened to Oldies. Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. But he can be a great dad regardless. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband - Slate Magazine July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! 8 Signs Your Partner Is Causing Harm To Your Family Relationships - Bustle He thinks it's ridiculous. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. He would watch Full House or something with us. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. But you know what? Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. Again, no. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. Show interest in his interests. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Dis you see this: He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. sarolabelle A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. What is arguable? (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. But the show as a whole, awesome. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? Did my mother? How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Too little time to post! Lily in NYC If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Skyblossom Ill go hiking with you, and I promise to go with an open mind and not complain about it. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It - Scary Mommy